Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tapi sebenarnya cerita kekecohan politik di Maktab Melayu ni cerita lama, ha ha selalu jugak dengar.
Cuba jenguk - Maktab Melayu pun ada blogger-blogger politik jugak, tapi tak sampai tahap RPK la kot (tapi entah-entah masa muda-muda RPK pun macam ni jugak, punya lah hangat masa dekat-dekat pilihanraya Kesatuan Pelajar).
Baca yang ini, atau yang ini - yang ni lagi dramatik ha ha. Siap ada perutusan rasmi lagi. Ha ha.
Ada yang cakap budak-budak ni emo sikit, padahal pilihanraya sekolah je.
Tapi itu yang kadang-kadang orang tak paham - mungkin ada dua tiga benda pasal Maktab Melayu ni yang tak lekang dek hujan, tak (?? aku dah lupa) dek panas.
Satu tu passion. Budak2 Maktab ni kalau nak makan durian pun makan durian betul-betul, sebab dari kecik lagi diajar nak buat sesuatu, buat betul-betul. Haaaa nak main politik kat sekolah, buat betul-betul dan berpolitik lah macam nak menang Dewan Rakyat.
Satu lagi budaya kepimpinan kot. Budak2 Maktab ni memang menilai tinggi nilai-nilai yang pada budak-budak lain di umur mereka dipandang enteng - contohnya keadilan, kesaksamaan dalam pertandingan, kebebasan, keterbukaan dan sebagainya. Kalau perkara-perkara ini dikira terancam ataupun dicemari, memang bagai nak berperang la budak-budak ni kot.
Ada dua tiga perkara yang boleh dikongsi di sini, dari episod krisis politik di Maktab Melayu:
1) Budaya partisan yang membabi buta sangatlah tidak baik dalam mana-mana kelompok pun, apatah lagi kelompok yang matlamat dan perjuangannya sama, tetapi pendekatannya berlainan. Kadang-kadang apabila kelompok sang pengawas merasakan kekuatan mereka terancam, atau mereka perlu menguasai Kesatuan kerana bimbang dengan pengaruh "tidak sihat" kelompok yang satu lagi - ini adalah antara pemangkin utama budaya partisan membabi buta ini.
2) Reformasi atau tidak reformasi mungkin bergantung kepada perspektif masing-masing; dan kredibiliti sang ketua yang melaungkan reformasi. Reformasi di satu pihak dilihat sebagai mainan politik tangan di belakang, reformasi di satu pihak lagi mungkin atas keyakinan bahawa organisasi itu perlu diselamatkan dari pengaruh yang satu lagi. Akhirnya masing-masing dengan perspektif masing-masing.
3) Nasihat kami yang selalu tipu pilihanraya di Maktab Melayu dahulu - antara menjadi EXCO kesukaan guru dan EXCO yang faham kehendak pelajar; jadilah kedua-duanya. Tidak pernah pun menjadi syarat bahawa kita perlu memilih salah satu. Caranya mudah sahaja - jadilah kita remaja yang lebih matang agar dihormati guru, pada masa yang sama janganlah terlalu gila dan yakin akan kematangan dan kepimpinan kita sehingga lupa umur dan rakan-rakan yang meletakkan kepercayaan kepada kita.
4) Dalam bahasa pasar: "ha ha jadi lah ahli politik dari awal- dengan cikgu buat lah apa yang patut, dengan kawan-kawan belalah mereka"
5) Kenapa pilihanraya batch kampung selalu penuh dengan unsur-unsur politik dan pertembungan, tetapi pilihanraya batch bandar hambar? Mungkin kerana budak-budak batch bandar ini lebih berminat berfoya-foya, berbanding budak-budak batch kampung yang perlu melantik JKKK masing-masing? Lagipun di bandar mana ada JKKK!
Dulu masa kitorang F2, seruan nak jalankan "reformasi" di koleq ni pun ada jugak, melalui slogan The New Generation (TNG). Malangnya TNG juga pada ketika itu adalah nama kepada siri Star Trek versi 90an yang tengah meletup. Maka TNG ini mati lebih awal dan lebih diingati di kalangan kami sebagai bahan ketawa seperti "Teng ngeng ngeng ngeng......" (bunyi berdengung TNG)
Nasib baik aku men-distance-kan diri dari idea ni pada masa yang sewajarnya, sebelum kerjaya politik aku di koleq dibenamkan oleh TNG ha ha.
Aku rasa sampai beberapa tahun akan datang jugak idea "reformasi' yang dilaungkan di koleq sekarang akan dijadikan bahan ketawa ha ha.
PREP PETANG DIBATALKAN, satu perkara yang telah lama tidak berlaku di kalangan Yengko2. Mungkin kerana Pooh Bertugas adalah Sdr Angry dan Sdr Hungry (kedua2 nya orang yang sama iaitu Sdr Pedo-pooh* aka Aiwa)
Awie: "abih nak wat apa petang ni ?
dulu kalu batal selalunya sbb apa ah ?"
Idzam: "tido ah.. dulu batal sebab ade game bola lwn clifford hehehe"
Khalid: "sapa nak order rokok? komisen 4 batang"
Aiwa @ Pedo-pooh: "skarang dah tahun 2009. takde dah orang order rokok. order pil khayal je.."
Khalid: "lagi 10 tahun, aku amik order viagra"
PEMBUBARAN 9094 NORTHEN CHAPTER seperti yang diumumkan Sheppe kerana terikut-ikut dengan fenomena lompat-melompat di teledrama politik tempatan. Mula-mulanya Epit yang lompat parti masuk join(t) Nogori Chapter, kemudian presiden pulak (Pak Tuan) secara tidak berpelembagaan join(t) Shah Alam Chapter (walaupun dia claim dia balik Utara sekali-sekala). Seorang lagi ahli lama iaitu Om-broh telah lama menjadi satu-satunya wakil YENGKO di Melaka (selain SD yang tidak Yengko sebab dia study dalam kelambu pakai torch light). Walaupun Joe sekali-sekala mengaku Utara, tapi dia macam Datuk Nasa yang flip flop - hari ni Utara esok Putra Heights, jadi tak leh pakai ni. Mungkin sebab itu lah Sheppe bubarkan terus dan melompat masuk Kelang Chapter.
Sheppe: "dengan ini diisytiharkan pembubaran 9094 northern chapter selepas satu lagi DUN lompat party join klang valley chapter. sekian terima kasih."
Bochap: "kenapa sheppe? gambar bogel** kau di sebarkan kah?"
Gadap: "Bukan sebab tu, tapi sebab 9094 northern dah difatwakan bidaah"
Sheppe: "bidaah bidaah.... gambar bidaah aku tgh tidor kena sebar. p.s e-mail bidaah?"
Chibiok: "adakah org yg sanggup lakukan perkara yg terkeji itu ???"
Sheppe: "benda ini dlm siasatan"
Khalid: "jadi maknanya, memang wujud la gambaq bogei hang?
ni yang kat bilik ka kat dapoq?"
* Pedo-pooh merujuk kepada manusia sebesar beruang yang diragui
** semalam aku dapat nightmare gambar bogel aku tengah tidur disiarkan and dapat kat mak aku. ha ha sure ramai orang dapat nightmare macam ni lately
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Projek Gemuk Mighty Ducks: kekurangan RM5,000 bagi musim 2009
Projek Messy PLL Impak Maksima dll: kekurangan RM2,000 setakat ini sementara kita mencari penyumbang korporat
Oleh yang demikian, sumbangan saudara-saudara dari dysfunctional batch ini sangat diperlukan - bolehlah dikreditkan terus ke akaun CIMB saya bernombor 13050030895527. Selepas dikreditkan, harap dapat SMS kalau tidak saya ingat itu duit saya dan akan dibelanja untuk berfoya-foya.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
I went to our beloved college last weekend to have a meeting with a number of present boys regarding their F1 In School Competition. From that 2 hours session and first time meeting them, in general i think the boys need a lot of help especially with budget and technical matters. I can assists them in terms of the technical matters (and i do encourage anybody who wants to chip in and contribute to contact me, i.e. the likes of MTOP, FAZ, CHAMP and those automotive engineers out there, do we have aircraft/ aerospace engineers in our batch? Academicians can also contribute) but for budget, we need to work something out to assists these boys. In terms of target, since in last year's competition, everything was done in a hurry therefore the result was not that good. For this year's target, i think they should at least be the first in zon tgh which comprise of schools from Perak, Selangor and WP (and this includes last year's champion for zon tgh and national level, Sekolah Alam Shah (SAS)). Come on guys, MCKK losing to SAS is like being Gadap but without the K**EK part. Badly need to improve on this. The two important factors that i've seen will contribute to success is technical capability and budget (just like the real F1 competition, those with bigger budget can actually invest more on the technical capability and build better car and team, e.g. Ferrari, McLaren Mercedes and BMW Sauber)
According to the competition regulation, the F1 in school team (there's two teams this year) has to look for budget themselves. Last year they have the likes of MISC (RM5000) and other small organisations contributing to their budget. This year, the boys have to start all over again and source for budget. I would want to invite you guys who have been very sucessfull in your life to contribute either through your own company or 9094 F1 Fund. Whoever is interested to do this, please inform me either through this mailing list or @ 019-2214922. Kalau nak sponsor through company, please provide the contact no for the PIC in your respective companies, fax number, the company name and company address. The boys will contact them officially.
What's in it for you guys? Well, on top of contributing back to MCKK (sebagai membalas jasa2), you can gain marketing advantages by having your company logo on the official F1 team suit/uniform. If the boys win this year, we will have bragging rights for the years to come he he he. Ok then, adios. Hope to hear good news soon.
Thanks for reading.
Count me in untuk macai.Aku rasa Faz pun boleh tolong.
What is F1 In School competition?
Ini macam Peraduan Rekacipta Sains ke dulu?
Please have a look here....sorry champ last year was RMC, runner-up SAS,koleq kat mana????
Red has already spoken to me about the sponsorship.
So I will try to help him get the first RM2k first to get things started, then we'll start with looking for the RM10k needed for the teams.
Thanks anyway for agreeing to do this - as you can see, the boys are not bad. They are as energetic etc. it's just that they don't have help.
ok, takdak hal punya. Aku pun kesian gak, kalau aku jadi diaorg, agaklah lost. Apsal mel kau ni mcm agak formal gitu?
Satu lagi Projek Kewl 9094 ..cayalah hehehe
Syam,if this project ada involve trip to halfcut shops, aku nak join and sedia membantu.. hehehe
Rough,Bile nak balik Kemaman? boleh karaoke kat Pusat Karaoke Epal.. smlm baru perasan kat ofis ada budak2 8690-9094-9498 hehehe..blom tanya manager aku lagi die batch mana, kalau 8286 baru chun (bukan Shamsul Akmal Muzeni)
kau ada simpan tak last year punya design ? kalu ada, pass kat aku file cad/cam.
wajib pakai solid edge kan ?
Not necessarily, they will get extra mark for efforts to model using other CAD packages such CATIA and PROE. Design semua ada kat budak2 tu. If you want i can help to request from them. What is it for man?
Syam,aku dgn Faz on...nanti aku try tanya2 sponsor from Pennzoil dgn Toyota
pasal Catia, need any help ker?
Kalu ok, aku leh sumbangkan perkhidmatan 3D rendering utk presentation. Nak tau file dia compatible tak ngan autodesk.
Tapi kena tunggu pc baru sampai. pc aku tgh hidup segan mati tak mahu.
Good one bro. Thanks. Aku akan discuss benda ni dgn budak2 tu.
Aku rasa elok kita pakai design tahun ni punya (which currently not even started yet). Hopefully boleh dapat by end of april. Berapa lama lead time utk kau buat rendering tu?
tak tau. selalunya 2-3 minggu. tgk pada byk mana kena edit, polygon count,lighting,color,motion etc. sbb tu aku nak mintak design yg dah ada last year, nak tgk payah mana.
aku jarang sekali render mech.motion. yg simple2 guna IK (inverse kinematic) adalah sket, jadi aku kena membaca dulu.
Baguih! the more the merrier. Thanks MTOP and Faz, curently aku rasa diaorg tgh bingung mcm mana nak reduce drag coefficient for their design, maybe if we have some ideas to give them options when designing that will be excellent. For CFD analysis, i think i can arrange from my side.
Anyway i'm planning to go again to kuala somewhere next month to check on the progress on their side and offer some technical assistance. The date kalau sama ngan mighty ducks training bagus jugak sbb boleh carpool. Camna chibix, bila mighty ducks lagi? Mtop ndan Faz nak join gak tak?
Pennzoil and Toyota are good brands to be our sponsors. Mmg cantek sgt.
migducks every 2 weekends... next trip 21-22/2.. badut and kno ada time tu
kau nak buat rendering, file tu kena save dalam format apa? kalau kena
format dia, aku rasa sng sikit kerja kau.
3DS, AI, DDF, DEM, DWG, DXF, HTR, IAM, IGES, IPT, LP, LS, MTL, OBJ, PRJ,SHP, STL, TRC, VW, WRL, WRZ
bagi aku salah satu dari atas, preferably 3ds,dwg, dxf
sambil tu bagi skali file asal dia, solidedge/works/catia
aku naktry cari transpoly importer, katanya dia boleh tolong importkan file2 native catia4-5, solidedge etc kpd 3ds max.
Preferebly dlm IGES la...
ha ah ok gak. tapi kadang2 iges bila import dia jadi tak symmetrical.
pastu bila import aku kena kerja dgn nurbs, tak berapa pandai jadi.
include ah skali.
alrite, sila buat spin-off group for F1 ala migducks ya
you can discuss nurbs, iges, xyz there :P
Ha ha I hope they will find as much fulfillment as some of us had with MightyDucks and the debaters. Money is always daunting, but we manage to stay afloat so far despite all the shouting.
I wish some senior teachers from MCKK remember Syam, Faz, Awie, Bobo and Mattop. They were not the model students that would have survived MCKK's expectation today (but they did get Anugerah Pingat Emas though, he he). None of us would have survived MCKK today - we were too non-conforming, too lazy to study and too independent-minded.
Syam can fill in himself berapa kali kena tampar dengan warden.
I remember one day in 1992 when Faz's parents had to come because either the school wanted him to leave the school or he was caught doing something, but the parents had to sit down with the HM.
Awie (although less notorious with the teachers he he) was not the conforming type either. So was Bobo.
Apart from Mattop, I am sure all began to smoke from F3 (or even earlier ha ha) and must have ran into some kind of troubles later on.
But the teachers were gentle with us. I think they saw us as boys and to a certain extent tolerated us.
In the process, we got 2 things from the school:
1) the best of friends and brothers in the world, that we would find any excuse to spend time with
2) the sense of belonging and indebtedness for the school that defies the time and age; for giving us the experience and youth that we treasure so much
It's this 2 things that keep making people going back.
It's this 2 things that partly define MCKK's experience all this while.
It's this 2 things that we must continue to provide to MCKK and the present boys, if we were to make sure people after us continue to return to the school.
Good luck to Geng Keter Potong!
1) Despite all the problems, Faz went on to get 8A1s in SRP - one of 13 who scored 8A1s (the highest result) in MCKK that year
2) Syam was always in the top 30 of the batch despite whatever he ventured, getting JPA/MARA overseas scholarship after SPM
3) Mattop went to Japan after SPM, which contributed to his rather infamous "join(t)"-'s English proficiency (ha ha)
4) Bobo obtained PETRONAS' scholarship to the UK after SPM, despite all the mess he created and hearts he broke (ha ha Aiwa punya je..)
5) Awie went on to pursue his passion for crazy arts, started out with his own animation company but was chased to go back to Terengganu to work for his dad's construction business (ha ha)
6) Morale of the story: do not see the boys for what they are now for they are only boys - see them for what they can become one day :-)
Monday, February 09, 2009
But as a matter of records, it has to be done, so here it is.
The season for MCKK’s hockey team for 2009 began as early as November 2008 with the Mighty Ducks Cup (Closed MCKK Hockey Tournament in Manjung). We use the tournament to look out for good junior players and team planning for the next season.
3 WEEKS AGO: ANNUAL CAMPING
It has become customary that we start a season with a camping – the purpose of which can be argued until the cows go home.
We started the camping as a team building for the boys and us. We hardly know each other and spending a good weekend doing fun physical activities, cooking and fooling around can do the magic trick. Then you hit a snag – more often than not the kids annoy you with the little things that you thought were out of line or unbecoming of a Malay College boy that you picture in your mind.
So the camping evolves into a mini discipline camp – you began to lay down the ground rules and taught them the kind of stuff that we were subjected to. I will not say that I enjoyed many of the grilling and physical endurance that we were subjected to when we were 13 and 14 year olds – but I will not deny that it did build the character. It made us into the annoying particular people that we are, a perfectionist in many things that we want to do because we were disciplined to be a perfectionist.
Of course all did not turn out well instantly. The camping in 2008 was ended with a series of shouting and threats, with the boys standing in the middle of the rain soaking wet staring into the nothingness as we blurted out every complaint that we had of their behaviours. I would imagine that it must have been the most annoying treatment any boys at that age would have to go through.
By the 3rd instalment this year (16th – 18th January 2009) I thought it got better. The fondness that we have for the team is a lot stronger now (even if we do not have a fondness for any particular person, save Mpro with his obsession with anything dark and tanned!) so it’s a lot easier to approach the camping – it is like spending time with family, rather than a chore for a project that you have to deliver.
The planning was swift – apart from the uneasy feeling about the thriftiness that we wanted to inject into the camping (and the chicken/rabbit part), every other modules was concluded and agreed in one short meeting in Shah Alam (which we doubled as Ja’s reunion as well).
After 2 years, we can feel the financial strain already. At the last count, we are spending RM2,000 a month on the travelling alone. The basic equipments that we have to provide to the teams (pad, balls, jerseys etc.) go up beyond RM5,000 a year. Usually we spend at least RM3,000 per tournament on food, logistics and sometimes their accommodation too. With the economic recession setting in and one of us is already out of employment (ha ha by choice I may add!), the prospect of the financial commitment needed to sustain this is overwhelming given that we oruselves are struggling to make ends meet – not so much for the sheer size; but more of the guilt that we are spending way too much on a bunch of kids unrelated to us, when we count every cent for us and our family (sigh – somehow it’s very difficult to get rid of this guilty feeling).
So, given my reputation as a big spender (since I am still single and I “buy” the trust with the kids ha ha) – obviously the decision on what to spend this time around was taken away from me.
Unfortunately it was passed to Wong.
Wong prohibited cili boh because he considered it expensive (RM1.50 sebungkus maaaa!), so the boys were only given cili kering. Owh, and the rationing for nasi goreng Wong Fei Hong – only a few pieces of bawang, kicap no frills TESCO, garam, gula, a few ciling kering and sebijik telor. Sebijik telor for nasi goreng yang dimasak untuk 50 orang! Ha ha the funny thing was despite that, the boys actually finished that nasi goreng (boys will always be boys).
Throughout the camping, the boys were only allowed 30 eggs – so you can imagine Wong's whining when behind his back I allowed the boys to use 10 eggs for bihun ha ha. Chicken or any meat was banned throughout except for the performance night when the boys had a small scale BBQ (unlike last year’s).
The worst type of rationing was the breakfast on the last day – it was a simple porridge to finish whatever was left over (nothing much left over pun!) i.e. bubur nasi dengan kicap and bawang; and Wong had the audacity to call that bubur lambuk when he presented it to the boys. And yeap – they finished that one too!
The irony was, despite worse food than what they find in the Dining Hall, I felt the boys enjoyed it a lot more.
(Before the other Bapak Itiks claim credit for their cooking instruction, I must give this disclaimer).
I think by the third year we have gone beyond food and the leisure of things. To a certain extent, the senior boys already understand and appreciate the trials and tribulations that we have to go through, that we are not rich old boys who can give them money and buy them luxury. It is like as you grow up, you understand your parents’ hardship to raise you and you appreciate the little things a lot more.
Wong was also adamant about teaching the boys to slaughter chickens. All of us were very sceptical especially with his initial idea of giving a chicken to each group to look after, then to sneak at night to try to steal the chicken and to punish the teams that lose their pet chickens, then on the next day to ask the boys to slaughter their pet chickens that they have looked after for weekend for the BBQ! (Idea-idea bernas Wan Azman Wan Mahmud!).
We tried many things to dissuade him, including to convince him that we would not find chickens given the time. I am reminded of Awie’s advice when it comes to arguing with Wong – “jangan argue dengan dia, lagi kau argue lagi dia rasa dia betul”.
“Kalu kite tak jumpa ayam kampung, kita pakai arnab laaaaa….”
So we had to back down there, the choice of the lesser of two evils (sembelih pet ayam kampung and sembelih pet rabbit), I’ll go for the former anytime.
In the early parts of the weekend, there were moments that Wong suddenly went missing. I didn’t notice until Epit came whispering “kau perasan tak Wong tak de? Dia pi cari ayam la tu….”
And so, on Saturday afternoon, suddenly he came back grinning and announced to all of us there – “aku juppe doh ayang……”
On this note, I was once enquired by an old boy from the Class of 2000 on why we still hold on to this supposedly “archaic” way of disciplining boys, which in his opinion did more harm than good.
I guess it was that “archaic” way drilled on us when we were young that made us return to MCKK without fail fortnightly – so it must have been quite effective. If it takes that “archaic” way to make sure that the present boys will one day honour their debt to the school and return to do what we are doing today – I’ll be more than glad to do it every year.
All in all, the camping for 2009 was the most effective, enriching and fun – for us and the kids. We managed to cramp in a performance night – although I was not there as I had to shuttle between training the debaters and the hockey boys, I was told that the boys put up a splendid performance given the time constraint that they had. We managed to have a post mortem after the 2nd day from 2 am – 4 am (sapa lah punya idea buat post mortem macam ni); we even discussed the financial planning for the team with the boys on the last day.
But I guess the best part for all was the pertandingan kuda air (ni Wong and Epit’s idea, aku tak tahu nak panggil apa) – first between the boys; then between Bapak and Anak Itik. I was told that Anak Itik won the fight because the unemployed referee (Joe) was bought over (long before BN bought over the 3 ADUNs ha ha) – as much as I missed the fun, I was glad I wasn’t there because there were many who would have liked to “meng-kuda-kan aku” on that day.
Anyway the video (for the boys’ match) should say it all (be grateful that you are spared a wet t-shirt show by the really flabby and fat people)!
We parted on good terms, the boys looked so happy and couldn’t stop waving good bye when the old boys were leaving. One of the best camps we had ever organised, no doubt.
Bapak2 Itiks who joined: Badut, Chamat, Epit, Mpro, Wong, Idzam, Joe, KNO, Chibiok and Jita (itik import).
Ha ha the team was on the verge of breaking apart - because of the simple issue of whether we had gone too far to pamper the boys. There were 2 school of thoughts (obviously): one who felt that we must retract a bit; the other who felt that we must maintain a certain standard regardless of the budget cut (you can guess which camp I belong to – perhaps the only one in the camp ha ha!)
In the heat of the moments, there were things said and done that if we had not put the interest of the kids first and foremost, it could have been that the whole endeavour would have collapsed.
The excerpts of some of the emails (edited) that were flying around shall serve as a reminder, in all its fondness, of how close Mighty Ducks has been to our hearts, when we reflect in future years. You do not argue this much unless it is for something so important to you:
"joe said that in jest kot.
beginilah, let i be honest. aku paham benar apa yg ko tulih ni. cumanya when we discussed in kat Tapah itu hari, we (I?) felt that u are/will be spending way too much on this. like the rest of us, you also have other matter to attend to. ko pun ada life juga kan - rumah, kereta, marriage one day, etc. walaupun admittedly, financially u r doing better than most of us, one fact that we are certain is that your pocket is not a bottomless pit. kami takut due to your degree of attachment to the kids, your objectivity is lost in the process (tapi bukanla nak kata u r not objective at all).
so we decided as friends we need to higlight that to you. but having said that, it's your rezeki anyway. it will always be your call.”
“i am not in the habit of writing long emails
but since the silence is deafening
and i do not like matters unresolved
so i will start
i am not questioning anyone's objectivity
and neither am i abt to start doing so
when we started, we all had the same objectives
and i think the objectives have remained the same
thus the intent of everyone contributing in his way, i believe, is aligned with the objectives and we all contribute in whatever way we can
if we cant get past something like this, then perhaps we are done
we do jerry springer for the kids
but the truth is we prolly need one ourselves (and i do not mean this in jest)
i am not one for drama, and i am not one for threats
if we decide we dont want to go forward, then we dont
and no XXX, i wont take your rm5(spacebar)k to buy stuff we dont collectively agree to"
“Aku jolok buah kelapa ker…???”
“fine, let's have our own jerry springer..
here's my beef..
i know XXXXXX has contributed a lot, monetarily, emotionally, and what-nots..i won't deny that..
yet at the same time, some of us (could be just aku and epit je, I don't know.. i can't talk for the others) are concerned with the kind of money being spent on the kids.. sure, it's a project that needed copious amount of money.. travelling, equipment, food etc.. there are times when i feel that we're over pampering the kids.. especially on the jerseys, hockey sticks and most probably the new goalie pads..
we may want to equate with wanting to give the best there is for the kids, serupa macam orang lain cuba buat untuk anak masing2.. i won't deny that.. aku pun kalau ikut hati, nak je bagi anak aku macam2 benda, as long as they're happy... but to what extent? sampai anak2 aku jadi manja and lemau? there are times aku reward them, and at other times, ada masa perlu aku punish diorang..
but just because i proposed a different idea on the jerseys or the brand and used/new type of goalie padding, that doesn't mean aku memperlekehkan effort.. i wanted the kids to be instilled with the value of money, similar to what i'm trying to do with my kids.. good stuff doesn't have to be expensive, brands are relative, nak2 bila ada someone else yg mulia hati and ikhlas nak provide duit in the first place.. kot kalau pakai duit sendiri, lantak pi la nak beli brand apa pun.. kot nak pakai prada or LG t-shirt buat main masa game, it's not for me to stop anyone of you from doing so..
“Have spoken to Epit and clarified many things; as the emails were coming from Joe and Wong.
1) I apologized for the outburst – I think it was due to misunderstanding and Epit’s email with the word “objectivity”. I consider it as a protest against my objectivity and therefore against my judgment (which being a dictator as I am, will find it difficult to accept), while on your part it’s purely a concern on the amount of money spent on the kids. Noted and I apologise for the misunderstanding.
2) From the discussion with Epit, we concluded that I read too much between the lines and deduce too many things. On the other hand, Epit should never have used the word “attachment” and “objectivity” – that’s a very lethal combination.
3) I have also clarified why I wanted to maintain a certain standard – as much as we have to be frugal, we need to maintain a certain standard lest we undo all the work we do during the camping etc. I also agree with Joe that brand is relative and it doesn’t have to be a certain brand to maintain a certain standard.
4) Being an accountant, I see everything in relative cost-benefit – yes, buying a more expensive brand costs more, yet if the additional amount is equivalent to the spending for one lunch for the boys (one lunch is about RM200, I think the saving by downgrading the jersey is only around RM400 – RM500 so it’s about 2 lunches for the kids); I thought we should consider investing the extra RM400 – RM500.
5) Having said that, I totally agree that we should buy XXXX at a cheaper cost.
6) On the jerseys that have gone missing all this while, yes I was frustrated and I appreciate your concern. But being an accountant too (no wonder TNB hates Che Khalib), it is an investment write off because I made the mistake of trusting the boys too much. We have learnt from that mistake and from the ruling that the boys will not keep the jerseys, hopefully it will not be repeated.
7) I was slighted because I got the impression that you think I cannot think straight when it comes to the boys. I do what I do because someone has got to do that work. But I have clarified this with Epit – I will conclude that I am just being paranoid, so we’ll leave this at that.
8) It’s not that I want to spend money on the kids – I myself lead a very frugal life. But we don’t have a choice, it’s either we spend or we go with a begging bowl. I never expected any one of you to fork out that money; so if you are in my position, what choice do I have? I will be utterly irresponsible if I just leave it hanging and expect everything to sort things out by itself. Yes it’s a lot of money – that means we just have to work harder to get the money back. Along the way I hope the boys will learn a thing or two about value of money, the way we want them to be. I thought it was unfair that on one hand none of you offered any financial solution, on the other hand it was implied that I cannot make good judgment about spending. But as Epit said – it was a misunderstanding.
9) I did not mean to threaten – it was a fundamental issue of trust (so I thought). From my perspective, if people can no longer trust my judgment because I was not objective, then I cannot work for the team anymore. My understanding was you guys will go ahead and carry on, someone has to take over my role.
10) I appreciate everyone’s fondness and commitment – I think I have thanked anyone enough where possible. I also never compared anyone’s commitment because to each is our own, and we’ll do whatever is in our means.
11) All in all, it has been a misunderstanding and let’s leave it where it should be – misunderstood.
12) We shall move on after this – but please be sensitive with your comments. I am particular to the dots and lines, I may read between the lines and I pay a lot of attention to body language etc. And I am temperamental – all traits are explosive when they come together.
This is what will happen afterwards:
1) I will transfer money to Idzam for the keeper’s pad
2) I hope Chamat had ordered the jerseys, once you receive it please pass to me to do the stitching and printing
3) I will get Cikgu Safaliza to re-book the turf date
4) I still need the confirmation of hockey coaches of who will go on what date
5) Someone should forward all this to Mpro.
So all is good – put it this way, it’s the necessary DRAMA that we need since the last camping didn’t have any drama.
We can talk about SPACE BAR again now.”
And so, with that issue resolved, we moved on to the first proper training of the 2009 season.
LAST WEEKEND: SPANKING NEW TURF AND FRIENDLY MATCH WITH MCOBA TEAM
All went well (of course I had an earful of lectures from Chibiok and Joe until 4 am about how the boys need to be straightened up). We started at 2 pm on Saturday – it was a deal we made with the boys i.e. we sacrificed our weekends and they would their Saturday outing. On Sunday from 3 pm – 6 pm, the training was done at the new hockey turf in Bukit Chandan (within the compound of the newly opened Kolej Islam Darul Ridzwan).
MCOBA Team came all the way from KL – thanks to Boyot 87 (am I correct?), KE 92, Athen 96, Opeq 96 and many other juniors I did not recognise.
More touching was the fact that Thorsten Hiedelberg, the German hockey coach who had wanted to coach the boys all along; came on his own to see the boys. We did not have the heart to bring him before, despite his repeated request and persuasion, because we thought that there were so many things need fixing that the boys wouldn’t have been ready for him.
The boys defeated MCOBA Team 3-2, leading all the way at 3-0 until the final quarter. Not bad, at least they scored (remember, they were once dubbed Raja Seri for their inability to score!).
There will be a fortnightly training, with a fitness training spaced every other week (when Chamat or Wong can make it). All in all, they will be seeing us almost each week between now and May 2009.
Whether they will win or not, improve or not – it’s in their hands now. We have given our best and there’s nothing more that we can offer them.
I just hope they will make full use of this opportunity – and one day people will remember that the hockey boys are always the decent bunch of kids who remember the due they owe to the people after them. Long after we have called it a day.
ps: Ni bila tak de apa nak blog ni, kalau banyak nak blog buat thesis la.... [pesanan dari Awie]
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
I actually don’t know how to greet you. Is it “Hi”, would “Good evening” be proper – sometimes it is as if everything was frozen in time the day I could not decide whether to give you the birthday card or not about one year ago; as if the indecisiveness and helplessness of that night continues until today.
It has been one year today. I counted the days since the last few months, each day the countdown in my head got louder and louder. Every day, in my car while travelling to and fro work, or when I walk on my own, or when I struggled to finish the little run that I try to have every now and then, or when I try to sleep – I think of what I would tell you on this day – one year after you have left.
I thought I had arranged my thoughts perfectly. I thought the words were all there. But when the day is finally here – I am actually lost for words. There is so much to tell, so much to share – never in my life for the last 19 years that I did not speak to you for such a prolonged period. Usually even if we were half the world away, you would never fail to write or call. Or even when I was thrown in the middle of nowhere in Scotland, I would always spare my allowance for coins to call you on the public phone – apart from Jita (who had a large reserve of 50 p coins to call his girlfriend), many times I was a permanent feature at the phone booth too.
But never mind – we can’t change things that has been pre-ordained like this, we can only make do with what is given to us.
So maybe I’ll start by telling you what had happened over the last one year.
Let’s start with politics, perhaps the part you would have liked most. Pakatan Rakyat actually managed to deny Barisan Nasional a two-third majority in Dewan Rakyat (oh by the way, Pakatan Rakyat is the new name they coined for what was before Barisan Alternatif. I thought Pakatan Rakyat sounds more palatable – it doesn’t sound as reactive and ad hoc as Barisan Alternatif, though I wouldn’t say it is that original ha ha – we did have Gagasan Rakyat in 1990!). Many of your acquaintances from both sides got elected either as MP or ADUN – including Nik Nazmi! Apart from SN, there are Puad Zakarshi and many others.
I felt so inadequate and burdened when you were no longer around at the time your skills and intellect were needed most. Many times I had to cover and there were so many things which were beyond me. There was a time when SN was updating me about the supposed takeover plot of 16 September until the wee hours – in the middle of his excitement explaining about the legal and constitutional options, he paused and silently said to himself “kalau Ben ada kan senang, dia mesti ingat and tahu semua ni..”
It’s ironic that it takes your departure to shake me that there are times in life we have to swallow our pride and do what is expected of us; that sometimes we are not entitled to live our life by our whims and fancies. After you have left, I realised I am practically on my own and the one person who would have paved the way in the past, is no longer there. It was difficult to pick things up almost from scratch initially – but I have spent a lot more time lately with people that you would have wanted me to spend time with for the past few years. Finally I relented that my time of doing things at my own pace and according to my interest is up – the sad thing is you were not there to see it, because I know it would have put some smile on your face knowing that you knocked some sense in my head at last.
Frankly speaking, I wouldn’t know how you would have reacted to the haloo baloo after 8 March 2008. Things have not settled down even after almost a year and threats of coup de tat after coup de tat continue to dominate the nation, at the time when we are facing what can be the most severe economic downturn of our generation. There were many issues that I could not make my mind up – and it is during this time that I miss you so much. It was a lot easier before because for things I could not decide on my own, I always have you to defer to and you always have a way to make sense of things.
It breaks my heart sometimes to reflect that you had given away the promises of good life (that ultimately led to your early, untimely departure) to sustain keADILan, reformasi and AI in whatever capacity you could – because no one would have remembered you or your contribution. Your memory evaporates not even a year after you had gone and looking back – I wish you did not choose the path you had taken because while it is a lot easier for them to move on and consider you as another casualty, we (who care most about you) are still stranded here, unable to move on.
Our mistake at the time was believing that ideals would have saved the day. While many of us were spared the fate you went through because we did not give as much as required of us (for our selfish reasons), you gave away everything for your ideals. I sometimes feel that people take advantage of your health – because you always feel that you were running out of time, it was a lot easier for people to make use of that to compel you to give more and more, at the expense of yourself.
It broke my heart then and it still bleeds me to remember that despite giving up everything that you could have had – not so many people turned up at your funeral. You went quietly, unceremoniously and one year after, are almost totally forgotten while the people after you, who did not have to give up as much continue to celebrate 8 March 2008 and what came after that.
Perhaps the biggest irony is that you had to go away in this way, as if to give the final lesson in life to me – before I have to be on my own. And like everything that we had ever learnt together, this too I shall not forget.
Luckily there are also good news since then.
Rizal is now a happily married man and I was the best man for the day (albeit the worst best man ever, as I was told over and over again by Dany). He was so happy on the big day and my thought could not help but wonder how you would have felt if you were there with me. I remember when we were in the university you used to tell me and Rizal that you would have bought him a big wedding gift on his wedding day. Most probably, all of us would have been so happy looking at how happy Rizal was – for all the tragedy and tribulations that all of you had to go through for the past 10 years. He is a nice man through and through and deserves every break and happiness from now on.
After you were gone, Rizal, Dany and I suddenly got quite close now that the one glue that had held us together was gone, so we had to “glue” us ourselves. Initially Rizal and Dany were quite concerned on the “what’s next” question, so there were many times that we sit down to discuss. Despite being in their company more often, sometimes during those sit downs I always feel so lonely and miss you even more – because if you were around, this would not have happened. As untimely your departure was, the change in plan on my side was also untimely – but we have to do what we have to do.
After your passing, I realised how much I didn’t know you. There were many things that I only discovered after you were gone – it broke my heart so much for not being able to do something about it when you were around. After the many conversations that I had with Dany, it made me realise that throughout our entire friendship you had never confided your problem even once to me. You had absorbed everything – all my anguish, anger and sadness – yet you never gave any sign of your own anguish and tribulations. I had grown up thinking that you were beyond any of the problems that we, the mere mortals go through, that you would always be there to hear me out.
What I found out after your death questions how much I knew you all this while. Sometimes I feel that I don’t know you at all, sometimes I feel I only care to know what I want to know or to believe. Many times I had to seek reassurance from Dany that I meant a lot to you and that you were not angry with me in the last month of your life. I guess I would never find out and have to live with the questions forever.
You didn’t have to be superhuman all your life for people to know that you were extra-ordinary. You could have told certain things and I would have done things completely differently – I would have been less arrogant and less selfish, if only I knew. It would not have changed the esteem that I hold for you, even if you share me all your anguish.
Because the guilt that I have to live, for not knowing when I could have made a difference, is a lot worse than any deeds that would have been expected of me while you were alive.
(I think I digress – I should be telling you some happy news.)
The debaters are all grown up. Everything is in place and I can finally withdraw slowly in peace – if only you are still alive, I would have been able to spend more time with you. They miss you so much too. I brought Izzat, Fido, Rashad and Fendy to ziarah you on the anniversary of your passing. Izzat must be the only person alive who wrote about you after the first year of your death – even earlier than me. I hope you understand why I spent more time with these kids than what you thought I ought to do in the last few years – because I have always felt that they would remember us more. When we were young, I think we were so driven to change things so that we can touch people’s life for the better. After a while I realise that while politics offer greatness, it lacks sincerity (on both sides of the fence) and there were many other ways that I could touch people’s life. The time you spent on these kids was well rewarded beyond description, though you would never witness them grow up the way we thought we would. For whatever it is worth, you can be sure that until all of us grow old, we will not forget 24 January and I will personally make sure that generations after generations of debaters will not forget you.
Your dad passed away this weekend, exactly one year and one week after you were gone. The news did not come as a big surprise to me, though I could not help but wonder how Jun must be feeling. In one stroke, within a space of about two years – almost all the male heirs of your family were gone. I didn’t dare to go near her that day, she looked very sad. Whatever the rest of us were feeling about you – I don’t want to imagine what went through her mind all the time.
Auntie continues to amaze me beyond reasons for her strength, yet it is that strength too that wrenched my heart without fail. I cannot describe how poignant it felt that she actually looked happy to see Dany and me during Uncle’s funeral – it must have been terribly lonely for her since you were gone, that anything which remotely connects back to you brings some happiness to her; as if she could relive or remember some of the days seeing all of us together. And it killed me softly knowing how bad I was at visiting her – that despite the promises I made to myself and to you, I did not visit her as much as I should.
Yet her strength is a reminder of you – I was reminded that this was the lady who carried you for 9 months and each bit of her strength flowed through you in your short life. Even after you are gone, I continue to draw lesson that for all the bad things and unfairness that I thought I had to go through – your mother stood steadfast and smiling in the midst of this calamity, masking whatever hell she had to go through. How dare the rest of us complain about our little inconvenience when she has lost you for the choices you made – and most of us were partly responsible for that choices.
Ezam was the only person from your past adventure who was there. Whatever people say about him and his political game, I will value him because he has the one thing that many others do not have – loyalty. He was loyal to your memory to the end and I will remember him for that, though I don’t say it too often.
Anyway Abang, I could go on and on with my frustration, the what ifs and others. On one hand I desperately want to move on, yet I can’t. Sometimes I am angry that you had to go too early though I am not sure at whom I should be angry to. But mostly I am sad especially when I am alone and I miss you so much.
I miss all the chats, I miss your jokes about many things, I miss your narration about the weirdest historical details of our royal families, I miss everything. I miss your postcards, I even miss the little piglets that you use to draw everywhere. You do not how it feels to lose the emotional support that you had relied all your life growing up, there are no words to describe how lonely that feels.
I hope you are fine where you are now. If you are alive, I think you know that what is unspoken carries more weight than what we say to each other – in your death too, I wish you could read my mind so that you know everything that I wanted to tell you but could not write here, because there is not enough words for it.
I thank God for the 18 years he gave to me to know you, I wish I had longer time so that you could see I would do what I promised you – but He loves you more. I hope you are in His good care, much more than the care that we ever extended to you in your life time.
This too shall past, as you always remind us – and I want to believe that the one set of footprints on the beach is truly God’s and not mine, as you would have told me too.
Good night Abang and sleep well.
24 January – 2 February 2009
“Looks like destiny is deciding for you ha ha .....
Anyway, I forgot to mention that I have given the money to Ben's Mom together with mine so I didn't say that some of it was from you. This one, your niat will be all, no acknowledgement for it. Told her since she's arranging the tahlil in masjid, I also wanted to contribute...
At first, expectedly she refused flat out but since I said she cannot deny me paying respect to Uncle Omar because it was exactly what Ben did for my mom's tahlil, she relented and took it.....
Then she said, if we miss Ben, we should come and visit. That stroke me clear how sad she still is with Ben's departure. I suppose seeing us is a reminiscence to her of times when she often saw us together with Ben......
A year passed, I still cannot see any wisdom in Ben's departure....still only anger and sadness .....this is fast becoming a vendetta inside of me.”
“I have not made sense either - am finishing a piece on his one-year's departure and there's so much anger, I stopped a few times.
The only thing I can try to make sense is he has to go so that we can wake up and learn. I wouldn't have had the resolve I have now about what I need to do in the future and life - if he had not gone, because I always feel I will play second fiddle
We really should make more efforts to see Auntie - let's visit her next Monday, I am around back from KK and we can drop by in the afternoon (am flying to Mozambique mlam tu).
Don't worry abt the money - you know when Ben used to say that he wanted to retire and wanted rm300 from me each month, i really thot he was kidding and pulling my leg.
if he had been forthcoming and told me certain things that i discovered after he's gone, i would have given thousands of ringgit each month for him so that he can have some peace of mind.
anyway let's visit auntie next monday :-)
maybe i'll bring one of the boys too - i need them to remember ben too so that if one of us is out (died or taken out), someone will continue to remember ben. i need time before i can honour him properly, where he deserves his place in this society - but before that i just have to make sure that people will remember him, that's why i will always bring one of the boys.”
“I don't know why he had to go for me but I can offer you a small perspective why for you he had to go......
Ben was obsessed with having a 'successor' so the notion of second fiddle like you thought was not it. He took you under his wings so if anything, you were the sidekick. He saw something very special in you, always saying that you will be the successor.
How could you be second fiddle when you were at the fore front even in the beginning? The debate final was not his, it was yours. He was the tool, so if anything he was the one playing second fiddle.
Ben knew he would go early but not this early. And with him being intellectually better equipped than many others, you have his obsessive race against time, and to do so, he had to be bold, ambitious and different, making him larger than life and self absorbed sometimes. Ben did not need to peg onto another person who was also larger than life.
But some paths meet at some crossroad. And so you have Ben meeting Anwar. How Ben was actually in awe of Anwar in the beginning of reformasi, it was amazing for me to see (not to say I was wise enough then not to be under the spell myself). When someone is singing the song you wanted to hear, it's hard to deny that someone. Ben became a follower in so many ways. He stopped heeding for his own calling in life……In my view, it was the worst time for him.
Now, for someone like you or me, this is called a mistake that you learn from, a piece of education from the hard school of life. But Ben didnt have the time, this mistake was enough to derail him in life. Then, you add the consequences: the exile, the hardship to his health, the cost etc, all of these, shortened his life further.
It’s a long shot but maybe he had to go so that you won’t repeat his mistake.
But I think you know that already....
When Ben woke up from after they brought him home the first time, he said he didn't want to die. I knew he was not afraid to die and he didn’t want to live to old age either. He simply didn't think it was his time yet, so many things left unfinished. It was so heartbreaking for me when then he lost consciousness again and the next time he woke up, he was no longer himself, refused to eat and in so much pain.
I hope he was right, that this too shall pass……”
“Two three cats go running running
“It's corny, and the context was clearly homosexual in 'Four Weddings', but I can't find any other poem that says what I feel:
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
-- W.H. Auden
I remember Ben telling me proudly that he knew the poem even before it was used in the movie.
Where got like the striped one
Two three I can go finding finding
Where got like you one”